This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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