The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
