so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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