Sponge bath it is.
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
apparently the secret to your success is patron
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
