at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
