Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
