sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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