Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
