Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
