I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
