That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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