textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i think i have two assholes
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
