Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
This baby is an asshole
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Do you have feelings for this penis?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
