Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize
