Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
