It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I just found puke in my bra..
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
