Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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