It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize