Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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