Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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