i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
