U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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