Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
your like the ambassador to my penis.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
