we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
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