I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
