My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
My vagina is very pro this idea
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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