There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize