yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
