Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Randomize
