i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
How does one acquire holy water?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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