Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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