Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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