I looked at my own cervix.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
