Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
