nut hugger
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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