hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
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