hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Randomize
