worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
