I think my fart just growled at me.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
