nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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