oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
