Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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