im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
