got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
