i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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