he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
