Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
