Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
