My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
