I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
You're like the curious george of whores
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Randomize
