You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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