her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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