How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
