Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize