i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
