dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
