Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize