I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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