you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
