i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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